We’re expecting our hall carpet to get replaced soon. Yep, the landlady’s finally doing something about all the worn carpet. Originally the plan had been for it to be stretched. It would happen shortly after we moved in, we were told. The guy would come, his carpet stretching equipment (which resembles props from the torture ... [More]
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Sprained ankle
I have sprained my ankle. Now, I’d like to claim that this was during some great activity – a national sporting event, paragliding, bungee jumping, rodeo, bullfighting, base jumping, something of that stretches the human physique to its limits. But no. I sprained my ankle getting off a bus. It’s the bus driver I blame. ... [More]
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Bad Christmas poetry
Prepare for bad poetry. This is what I wanted for Christmas… (*I got these) A vacuum cleaner that doesn’t drown out the telly Self-changing nappies that don’t end up smelly Price tags that come off without a fight * Neighbours who don’t blare loud music at night Disks that don’t self destruct with my data ... [More]
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The bill
Following on from my previous call to my old mobile phone company telling them I was disconnecting, I got this, a bill for three cents: Rather than spend forty-five cents sending them a cheque, I gleefully rang them at their own expense on their Freecall number to have a good laugh. They most generously said ... [More]
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The best fun
I’ve been having the best fun. Last week I got to write a letter to a phone company. I got to tell them that their threat to cut me off for not paying them a bill doesn’t hold much weight because I asked to be disconnected – and that’s why they shouldn’t be sending me ... [More]
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Not Australia’s Most Wanted
Australia’s Most Wanted man, Brett Maston, is no longer most wanted – in fact he’s now "The Criminal Formerly Known As Most Wanted". They caught him over the weekend in Perth. Lucky the Victorian police didn’t get to him first or he’d probably have been shot. But there’s something I don’t understand. Last week his ... [More]
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Time Travel
I’ve been thinking about time travel… let’s hope that it’s impossible. If they ever invent it, it could be VERY embarrassing. Can you imagine going back forty years and explaining to someone what life was like in the 1990s? So, in the 1990s do you all fly around in helicopters? Uh no, no we don’t. ... [More]
In my secondary career as a first class gourmet cook, I’ve come to a little conclusion about cutting onions. I think onions have a defensive mechanism. Like plants that are poisonous, so nobody eats them. Onions make you feel guilty… poor little onion… wasn’t doing any harm… not its fault it’s such a good ingredient… ... [More]
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Traffic lights
Why do people crossing at traffic lights push the button half a dozen times in quick succession? Do they really think the lights will change any earlier? Has anybody ever in the history of the universe got across the street earlier by pressing the button multiple times? Perhaps they think the traffic light software will ... [More]
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The genetics of sewing
Sewing mystifies me. And I think it’s something genetic. Because whenever I find myself in a sewing shop – Spotlight, Lincraft, any of those shops I never even knew existed before I got married – I see the pattern. The genetic pattern of behaviour. Women who go to these shops know where everything is. Instantly. ... [More]
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The Kiss joke
Maybe I’ve always been a jokester. I’ve been remembering my first big practical joke. How I planned it. How I inflicted it upon the family. And how it flopped completely. It was the 70’s. Kiss were king. Yes, Kiss. I couldn’t understand the fascination with Kiss. Imagine, some kids were collecting Kiss bubblegum cards! Sick ... [More]
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Festivals
Went to a street festival over the weekend. Festivals always look like so much fun, don’t they. It’s something about the atmosphere of stuffing three hundred thousand people into a couple of blocks for a weekend. Enjoy the food, watch the people, buy the merchandise, wonder why the bands playing there haven’t made it big… ... [More]