Why do people crossing at traffic lights push the button half a dozen times in quick succession? Do they really think the lights will change any earlier? Has anybody ever in the history of the universe got across the street earlier by pressing the button multiple times? Perhaps they think the traffic light software will ... [More]
Sewing mystifies me. And I think it’s something genetic. Because whenever I find myself in a sewing shop – Spotlight, Lincraft, any of those shops I never even knew existed before I got married – I see the pattern. The genetic pattern of behaviour. Women who go to these shops know where everything is. Instantly. ... [More]
Maybe I’ve always been a jokester. I’ve been remembering my first big practical joke. How I planned it. How I inflicted it upon the family. And how it flopped completely. It was the 70’s. Kiss were king. Yes, Kiss. I couldn’t understand the fascination with Kiss. Imagine, some kids were collecting Kiss bubblegum cards! Sick ... [More]
Went to a street festival over the weekend. Festivals always look like so much fun, don’t they. It’s something about the atmosphere of stuffing three hundred thousand people into a couple of blocks for a weekend. Enjoy the food, watch the people, buy the merchandise, wonder why the bands playing there haven’t made it big… ... [More]
Why do people jaywalk? Time and time again, I find myself waiting at the crossing like a responsible citizen (and trying to get in the habit of setting a good example for my son), waiting for the little green man to appear. Someone else will judge the traffic carefully, and sprint across the road, breaking ... [More]
So, it’s finally happened. I never thought I’d be the victim. I thought it would never happen to me. But I’ve finally become another helpless statistic in the vicious wave of crime sweeping our city. My bike got stolen. I noticed it on Saturday – ironically, the day the local police station were having a ... [More]
An update from the Swanston Street McDonalds story from last month. I’m told by reliable sources that the word is getting around about the rabid Maccas operative. Apparently she can sometimes be seen standing at her counter waiting for customers while people queue up at the others… And maybe public opinion about the French is ... [More]
Sssshhh! Don’t tell any of my mates in the Bear Stranglers Club, but I’ve cooked the last two Saturday dinners. Okay, so I know most blokes don’t know where the kitchen is, let alone spend time in it, but I thought I’d take a bash at it. Light a fire, throw rhinoceros rump on it ... [More]
It is becoming apparent to me that pubs are designed to be particularly inducing to the consumption of alcohol. This is why they always have darts and pool on offer in pubs. Darts and pool are unique in the world of sporting and recreation. These two games are the only ones, where your skill can ... [More]
So, France has detonated second nuclear bomb. Six point something on the Richter scale. That poor bastard Richter. Imagine inventing something that meant for the rest of time your name would always be associated with bad news. A week or two back it was found that New Zealand couldn’t challenge France over the nuclear tests, ... [More]
Now I think I know what Jonathon Ross was on about when he talked about his baby daughter producing "the Exxon Valdez of poo". Yesterday we got to experience this for ourselves. My son Isaac had been saving his up. Saving it for a day and a half, in fact. There was tons of it ... [More]
I went to the Billy Connolly concert last night, and he’s reminded me a funny story that is absolutely true. I’ll do a quick grep through the files to make sure I haven’t told you this before. Because I don’t like to be repetitive if I can help it. Do I? No, I don’t. Don’t ... [More]