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Bad Christmas poetry

Prepare for bad poetry. This is what I wanted for Christmas… (*I got these)

A vacuum cleaner that doesn’t drown out the telly
Self-changing nappies that don’t end up smelly
Price tags that come off without a fight *
Neighbours who don’t blare loud music at night
Disks that don’t self destruct with my data
To understand what the Tax Office mean by "pro rata"
Blinds that don’t get stuck halfway down
A Fast Eddies burger I can get my teeth round *
A good table for eight in the Hard Rock Cafe
An easy to open tomato sauce sachet
Warning buzzers that sound if my fly is undone
Especially if I’m about to walk past a nun
Neighbours who don’t leave shopping trolleys on the street
To walk for miles without killing my feet
To not hear dripping taps once I’m in bed
People to hear first time what I’ve said
The media to stop all this hyping the Net
To get a winning horse from my once a year bet
Gas, electric, phone bills in different weeks
To understand behind those sci-fi geeks
An absorbent handkerchief that’s always dry
To know all the words to "American Pie"
I’d love a toaster that never burns the toast
To get down to the mailbox in time for the post
Trams that aren’t dead on time when I’m late
To not feel sick from the Christmas chocolate I ate
A calendar that turns the pages by itself
To have read all those books up there on the shelf
To see bloopers from the Queen’s Christmas Message
To understand what the point is of dressage
A little summer weather wouldn’t go astray *
To really see Santa fly by with his sleigh
Car drivers who give way when they’re supposed to
To not have a sore nose after using a tissue
A packet of Tim Tams that never runs out
To understand what the stock exchange people shout

One thing I don’t have this year is much time
So here’s all the others that I didn’t get to rhyme:

Ties that automatically go to the right length
Newspapers that recycle themselves
An adult-sized Jolly Jumper
Pens that don’t lose themselves
Frenchies to stop testing nuclear bombs
Pictures that always hang straight on the wall
Stickytape that doesn’t stick to my fingers
Endless chocolate in a special dispenser
A microwave that remembers the time when unplugged
A retractable cord that actually works
People to stop ringing me – the wrong number
A passport photo that makes me look human *
Bubblegum that is underside of table resistant
Maps that can be folded back up first time
Companies to stop sending bills for three cents
To be able to keep in a fart when I need to
A seminar that’s interesting right to the end
A big black thick texta that doesn’t dry out
Once a year to have chocolate for dinner *
To understand what Boxing Day is really for

By Daniel Bowen

Transport blogger / campaigner and spokesperson for the Public Transport Users Association / professional geek.
Bunurong land, Melbourne, Australia.
Opinions on this blog are all mine.