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What the F— do you think you’re doing, Mr White Stationwagon? Where the F— did you get your driver’s licence? Why the F— do you think you can decide as you’re driving through an intersection in the left hand lane, that you are suddenly going to turn right, across three lanes of traffic, cutting me off as I’m about to turn right the other way, leaving my car helplessly stuck in the intersection? It’s not as if that’s a F—ING hook turn there, and even if it was, you didn’t do it F—ING properly, did you?

Ahem. Pardon that burst of invective, but I don’t particularly like having sudden scares like that as I’m peacefully driving home of an evening. I think I’ll eat some chocolate.

The rest of the day before that was comparitively calm. Went to work, did stuff, had dinner, headed home.

At Melbourne Central Station I tried to balance on some weirdo bar things they’ve installed, which are too low to sit on or lean against, and got out the book I’ve been reading, Sue Townsend’s Public Confessions of a Middle-Aged Woman. It’s not quite as compelling as Adrian Mole ever was, and on some train journeys I can’t be bothered getting it out to read it. But I’ll keep at it for a bit longer, if only because (a) my sister gave it to me, and I’d feel guilty if I didn’t give it a proper go, and (b) given its extremely pink cover, to prove I’m comfortable with my sexuality by reading it in public.

When I got off the train I wandered into the supermarket, thinking I might pick up one or two items, and coming out with $25 worth. The teenaged checkout chick was astonishingly chirpy to each customer, jabbering away as she scanned things, asking if I’d been at work, had it been a hard day, how many hours I worked (?!) and finally remarking as she scanned the two chocolate bilbies I’d bought for the kids’ Easter presents, “Oh! They’re so cute!” It’s situations like these that I always wonder what the reaction would be if a jumbo box of condoms was in the mix.

It’s been a fun April Fools Day, scouring the media for spoof reports. On the net the most successful has been the Google “G-Mail” one, having been picked up by the major outlets including CNN, BBC and I suppose they can all claim later they were in on the joke. The original press release pretty much gives it away. ABC Online originally covered it like the others, but now seems suspicious. Funny stuff.

PS. 2/4/2004. Or is it real after all??

By Daniel Bowen

Transport blogger / campaigner and spokesperson for the Public Transport Users Association / professional geek.
Bunurong land, Melbourne, Australia.
Opinions on this blog are all mine.

8 replies on “Whatthe?”

I arrived at the Parliament this afternoon to encounter what has to be Connex’s April 1st “joke” – ne seats :(

The olds ones were a bit manky, but they were comfy! The new ones are seriously un-comfy, and bend rather disturbingly.

Maybe I can hope they’ll replace them tomorrow?


Lots of hook turners treat it like turning from the middle….you move when their is a gap in ongoing trafic….problm is those people behind you on your right going straigt past you…..hard to judge distances in a mirror……bang….

My personal favorate was watching someone doing a hook U-turn…..very impressive…….

You’d love driving in Perth then. Drive at whatever speed you like in whatever lane you like, and turn at will.

Oh, and giving way to pedestrians crossing the road at traffic lights is optional.

Those “seats” newly installed at Melbourne central are complete farce! You can’t sit in them you can only lean uncomfortably (have they heard of walls?) It’s a joke they could at least install some new chairs rather than some half ar**d excuse for a seat.

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