Real estate

Ah the joys of real estate listings. It’s always the stuff they don’t mention that catches you out. Here’s a few samples I’ve encountered recently:

A delightful 1950s brick four bedroom family home in a quiet cul de sac location so close to Chadstone Shopping Centre, Phoenix Park & the Malvern Valley Golf Course. — yeah great, but if you look at the map, it’s also a stone’s throw from both the Glen Waverley train line and the Monash freeway! Convenient for transport, but better get some good noise-proofing!

low maintenance garden — that means it’s small, folks.

light and bright spacious L shaped lounge, dining room, kitchen/meals area — this place was nice but tiny. If the lounge is L shaped, then they’ve included the dining room as part of it, and shouldn’t specify it separately. And it wasn’t so much a dining room as a dining alcove: it was tiny. The two-seater table they had displayed almost filled it. If you had a fridge in the kitchen, it couldn’t possibly count as kitchen/meals, unless you like eating off the floor, which personally, I don’t.

Delightful solid brick 3 bedroom, 2 bathroom Period home — it’s semi-detatched. Not that you can tell from the description or the pictures (and not that I’m against the concept of semis; it’s actually very nice). The plan showing a blank wall along one side gives it away. Would it kill them to mention it?

Additionally, I have formed a theory of real estate prices: a place advertised at auction for “X plus” will have a reserve price of around X + 10%. If it passes in, it’ll then be advertised for private sale at X + 20%, knowing there’ll be some haggling involved, and with some room to move if nobody shows any interest.

By Daniel Bowen

Transport blogger / campaigner and spokesperson for the Public Transport Users Association / professional geek.
Bunurong land, Melbourne, Australia.
Opinions on this blog are all mine.

6 replies on “Real estate”

‘delightful solid brick 3 bedroom 2 bathroom home’

The word ‘home’ is a partial giveaway. A house is always detached, whereas a home is any dwelling, tenement or hovel.

Houses are cold free-standing structures that other people live in.

Homes ooze with character, are filled with memories and the promise of a happy future for your family, so you’ll pay top dollar (even if it’s in the trailer park by the freeway)!

Ah, you are back in the buying game again? Or just looking?

Have you come across the ‘country kitchen’ yet? I’m not sure where the term comes from, but it usually means the kitchen hasn’t been updated since it was installed in the Great Depression…

I’m glad you’ve worked out the $X plus equation. I never did quite work out that one. Of course, $X-$Y was easy – just add 15% to $Y and you get a good estimate of the final price.

Good catch on ‘home’ too, P!

Is it worth mentioning that over and under quoting are illegal in this state and if there’s evidence of it (eg. property passed in when bidding was above the top of the quoted range) you can report it?

“cottage” and/or “homely” = small.
“potential” = rundown / in need of renovation.
“near suburb X” = means that it’s really near suburb Y, but suburb X has more going for it.
And in Sydney, $X + 10% – more like $X + 20% !!!
Just gotta keep looking…

Some more

Handy location: On busy main street/can’t back out

Close to train: backs onto railway line

Bus at door: How often is the question

Secluded location: Miles from any services

In the heart of Golden Mile: The suburb is only about a mile square, so doesn’t mean much at all.

Near school: Be prepared to buy a new letterbox about every week

Great investment: Not even a struggling first homebuyer will choose this one!

This one will sell quickly: On market for 6 months

Previous sale fell through: Bank says it’s not worth the purchase price so refused the previous buyer’s loan

A rare opportunity: 1. They come up every couple of days 2. For the agent to get a commission, it is.

Low maintenance: You don’t need to do much, but did you know about the proposed $10k special levy from the body corporate?

Popular suburb: more than half the houses have people living in them

Sought after: Agent can’t get many listings for the area

Modern: Painted dark gray

Funky: Dark grey and one other colour

Groovy pad: 1. Only enough room for one 2. Tiny kitchen

Near night life: Brothel next door

A great one i saw recently in sydney:

“Timber Floor, currently covered” has carpet and a timber floor underneath it ,unpolished or what…
perhaps i can advertise my house as having a olympic pool ‘currently undug’

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