Category: General

So, Daniel, we heard you just splashed out on more memory for your computer. Yep, it’s got 24Mb now. More than enough for anybody. At least until next week. Ha, you’re not getting me into one of those Bill Gates quotes… Why’d you spend the money? Makes it faster. When you’re typing up Toxic Custard…  ... [More]

About a month ago the local council finally replaced our horrible grotty looking bottle and can recycle bags with nice new small bins. They came with a notice explaining what to put in them, and when to leave them out. Great – though most of our neighbours apparently haven’t got the energy to figure it  ... [More]

Our neighbour lost his electricity tonight. This shouldn’t have been totally unexpected – he had asked to get the account switched over to him after his flatmate moved out on the weekend, so it was only natural that they should cut the power off instead. So he rang them up, and after several millennia on  ... [More]

We all have had strange beliefs about how the world works. When I was a kid, I naturally used to dread the unwanted fart. Especially at school, while in class. But inevitably it would squeeze its way out. So I hit upon a plan to prevent the people around me from getting the whiff. Easy.  ... [More]

I have a bit of a problem with my alarm clock. It doesn’t go off at the right time. It doesn’t seem to understand that in the morning, I want to be woken up ten to fifteen minutes later than when I said I wanted to be woken up the night before.

Interesting stats in the newspaper last week. Apparently of the 70 victims of mass-killings in Australia and New Zealand between 1987 and 1993, 84% of them were killed by lunatics using legally owned guns. Well! That’s a relief, isn’t it! ‘Cos I’d hate to be gunned down by a lunatic who WASN’T allowed to be  ... [More]

Have you ever found a piece of paper, just a scrap, a post-it note, whatever, upon which was written, in your own writing, something you could make absolutely no sense of? I found just such an object while digging through the kitchen the other week. A scrap of paper, upon which was written, in what  ... [More]

We’re expecting our hall carpet to get replaced soon. Yep, the landlady’s finally doing something about all the worn carpet. Originally the plan had been for it to be stretched. It would happen shortly after we moved in, we were told. The guy would come, his carpet stretching equipment (which resembles props from the torture  ... [More]

I have sprained my ankle. Now, I’d like to claim that this was during some great activity – a national sporting event, paragliding, bungee jumping, rodeo, bullfighting, base jumping, something of that stretches the human physique to its limits. But no. I sprained my ankle getting off a bus. It’s the bus driver I blame.  ... [More]

I’ve been thinking about time travel… let’s hope that it’s impossible. If they ever invent it, it could be VERY embarrassing. Can you imagine going back forty years and explaining to someone what life was like in the 1990s? So, in the 1990s do you all fly around in helicopters? Uh no, no we don’t.  ... [More]

In my secondary career as a first class gourmet cook, I’ve come to a little conclusion about cutting onions. I think onions have a defensive mechanism. Like plants that are poisonous, so nobody eats them. Onions make you feel guilty… poor little onion… wasn’t doing any harm… not its fault it’s such a good ingredient…  ... [More]

Why do people crossing at traffic lights push the button half a dozen times in quick succession? Do they really think the lights will change any earlier? Has anybody ever in the history of the universe got across the street earlier by pressing the button multiple times? Perhaps they think the traffic light software will  ... [More]