Dear spammers

Dear spammers,

I am not throwing away money, and I don’t have a home loan that needs re-financing.

I don’t understand teenagers, let alone Swedish ones, and have no wish to watch them.

I don’t want to buy any remote control mini-cars.

My penis is of adequate size, thanks.

I’m busy enough as it is, so I’m not looking for any business opportunities.

I don’t believe I have an overdue account with you.

I don’t need a list of 9 faux pas to avoid (though some might argue otherwise).

I get through very few printer cartridges, especially since my printer broke down.

I don’t need a new car warranty, as I don’t have a new car, and don’t plan to buy one in the forseeable future.

I have no wish to send bulk e-mails to millions of people.

I am not, and never have been, an African American.

I’d rather my own doctor prescribed medicines for me.

Telling me your product is advertised on CBS, NBC and even Oprah is unlikely to convince me of its benefits.

I am not stupid enough to fall for a Nigerian scam, no matter how many times you ask.

It’s unlikely that I’ve won a lottery, as I don’t enter any.

I already have a degree that serves me quite well. I think if I want another one, I intend to learn something while I get it.

I’m pretty happy with my weight.

And I don’t want my dreams to come true — they’re a little weird, frankly.

Thanks anyway.

By Daniel Bowen

Transport blogger / campaigner and spokesperson for the Public Transport Users Association / professional geek.
Bunurong land, Melbourne, Australia.
Opinions on this blog are all mine.

6 replies on “Dear spammers”

awww really? well there goes selling you a subscription to a donkey pron site, that you could pay for with your inheritance from the money we’re going to send real soon now from the proceeds of your unknown african uncle in law that just died.

So you also don’t need your breasts enlarged before going on the free luxury holiday for which you need to give the seller your credit card number, and on which you can bring the person you meet in an on-line dating forum with 1000’s of singles in your area?

Sheesh. Some people have no sense of adventure!

Or how about the 20 billion email addresses, freebie pay TV viewer, a healthier PC, hot stock picks, russian introduction agency or tickets to the never-to-be-repeated ‘how to sell a phone to a deaf person’ SuperSales boot camp?

Good for you,Daniel! About time someone stood up to these annoying and unwanted intrusions on daily life! Couldn’t have written it better myself!

I’m in radio, and this was on one of my prep services.

Thanks to all my friends who sent me such important emails in 2003! Thank god you included me in your quest to inform! Thanks to all of you ….

– I stopped drinking Coca-Cola after I found out that it’s good for removing toilet stains.
– I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with AIDS.
– I smell like the devil, but thank god I stopped using deodorants because they cause cancer.
– I don’t leave my car in a parking lot anymore, even though I sometimes have to walk about seven blocks, for fear that someone might drug me with a perfume sample and then try to rob me.
– I stopped answering the phone for fear that they will ask me to dial a stupid number and then I will get a phone bill with calls to Uganda, Singapore and Tokyo.
– I stopped consuming several foods for fear that the estrogen they contain may turn me gay.
– I also stopped eating chicken Mcnuggets, because they are made from nothing more than horrible mutant freak chickens with no eyes or feathers that are bred in a lab for places like McDonalds.
– I also stopped drinking anything out of a can for fear that I will get sick from all the rat feces and urine.
– When I go to parties now, I don’t look at any girl no matter how hot she is, for fear that she will drug me, take my kidneys and leave me napping in a bathtub full of ice.
– I donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account. That poor sick girl that was about to die in the hospital. Funny thing, though, she never seems to get any older…
– I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I made, expecting the $15,000 that Microsoft, the Red Cross and AOL were supposed to send me when I participated in their special e-mail programs.

It’s weird, though that my new, “free” cell phone never arrived, and neither did the passes for my paid vacation to Disneyland. But I am positive that it’s my fault, because of one of the chains I broke or forgot to follow and I got a curse from hell.

IMPORTANT NOTE: If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next ten seconds, a bird will take a dump on you today at 7:00 pm!

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